Lauren, I am so moved by this piece, thank you for writing it. I am reflecting on folks telling me my son was too "needy" as an infant and how I thought his neediness wasn't such a bad thing. After all, I often felt like I needed him, too.
Right? So much of parenting seems to be resisting the pernicious notion that children are supposed to shut up, sit still and listen. They have needs and they are expressing them— children are powerful teachers for us in this way.
Thank you for your beautiful words and insights, Lauren. I’m struck by how knowing our own needs and power can undermine the authoritarian agenda. They need us to need them at the same time distracting us from what we really need. I work with the most vulnerable in our society, folks who are unhoused dealing with mental illness and substance abuse. My clients and I work together in getting their basic needs met and then identifying the needs of family and community that gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Keeping at the forefront of my mind the utter dependence and neediness of the infant Jesus in the womb is informing my work daily. God needs us. God depends on us to sustain each other, God’s love, power, compassion, mercy, justice and joy working through each one of us. From God through me to my client, from God, through my clients to me. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts and reflections during this Advent season.
What a powerful image and theology to keep in mind, Holly. You’ve called to my mind the St. Teresa of Ávila poem about how “Christ has no hands now but yours.” Thank you for sharing how this gets embodied by you.
Love your insights. I absolutely agree on all counts. As you hinted at, this society is designed to keep us constantly needy so that we remain reliant on the coercive systems of state, capitalism, etc. Personally I see the core solution as family. Both in recognizing the universal family of which we are a part (including non human parts of creation) and in recreating social systems of kinship + interdependence. Chosen family is the future. I truly believe we need to reinstate something akin to clans, but not necessarily bound as rigidly to birth. At its core a system of kinship is an intergenerational network of care. A group of people you are bound in full interdependence with. While I am absolutely of the mind we are All responsible for each other and should act as such, the necessities and limits of an embodied experience means we must have rungs of varying priority and commitment to mutual care. Namely, we can only care for people when our own needs are met. And so we need to be certain we have our own core kin to rely on before we can devote our energy to the larger collective. Bound by familial love and chosen commitment rather than external force, in such systems we care for one another regardless of disability or disproportionate need. And a formalized extended web of kinship makes that possible, as there doesn't need to be direct/full/transactional reciprocity in each single connection (which is often impossible for disabled folks to give) because the social infrastructure as a whole makes sure everyone's needs are met. We hold that responsibility collectively.
Would be interested if you have any thoughts on expanding/reestablishing such systems more formally, and the possibility of centralizing personal choice in who we call kin while simultaneously solidifying/formalizing/ritualizing the commitment we make to one another. And holding each other accountable to that.
“Core kin” — I love that way of putting it. I’ve spent the last few years very intentionally cultivating community in my neighborhood. This has had a fractal effect: I have an inner circle of a few trusted friends; a wider circle of people with aligned values; and a wider circle still of folks who may not be out in the streets with me to disrupt injustice, but will absolutely be there to provide physical support in a crisis. I do believe that reimagined structures of support are possible at scale— but that won’t be realizable or sustainable without really deep root work with our core kin.
Lauren, I am so moved by this piece, thank you for writing it. I am reflecting on folks telling me my son was too "needy" as an infant and how I thought his neediness wasn't such a bad thing. After all, I often felt like I needed him, too.
Right? So much of parenting seems to be resisting the pernicious notion that children are supposed to shut up, sit still and listen. They have needs and they are expressing them— children are powerful teachers for us in this way.
Thank you for your beautiful words and insights, Lauren. I’m struck by how knowing our own needs and power can undermine the authoritarian agenda. They need us to need them at the same time distracting us from what we really need. I work with the most vulnerable in our society, folks who are unhoused dealing with mental illness and substance abuse. My clients and I work together in getting their basic needs met and then identifying the needs of family and community that gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Keeping at the forefront of my mind the utter dependence and neediness of the infant Jesus in the womb is informing my work daily. God needs us. God depends on us to sustain each other, God’s love, power, compassion, mercy, justice and joy working through each one of us. From God through me to my client, from God, through my clients to me. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts and reflections during this Advent season.
What a powerful image and theology to keep in mind, Holly. You’ve called to my mind the St. Teresa of Ávila poem about how “Christ has no hands now but yours.” Thank you for sharing how this gets embodied by you.
Love your insights. I absolutely agree on all counts. As you hinted at, this society is designed to keep us constantly needy so that we remain reliant on the coercive systems of state, capitalism, etc. Personally I see the core solution as family. Both in recognizing the universal family of which we are a part (including non human parts of creation) and in recreating social systems of kinship + interdependence. Chosen family is the future. I truly believe we need to reinstate something akin to clans, but not necessarily bound as rigidly to birth. At its core a system of kinship is an intergenerational network of care. A group of people you are bound in full interdependence with. While I am absolutely of the mind we are All responsible for each other and should act as such, the necessities and limits of an embodied experience means we must have rungs of varying priority and commitment to mutual care. Namely, we can only care for people when our own needs are met. And so we need to be certain we have our own core kin to rely on before we can devote our energy to the larger collective. Bound by familial love and chosen commitment rather than external force, in such systems we care for one another regardless of disability or disproportionate need. And a formalized extended web of kinship makes that possible, as there doesn't need to be direct/full/transactional reciprocity in each single connection (which is often impossible for disabled folks to give) because the social infrastructure as a whole makes sure everyone's needs are met. We hold that responsibility collectively.
Would be interested if you have any thoughts on expanding/reestablishing such systems more formally, and the possibility of centralizing personal choice in who we call kin while simultaneously solidifying/formalizing/ritualizing the commitment we make to one another. And holding each other accountable to that.
Go raibh maith agat, thanks for the article!
“Core kin” — I love that way of putting it. I’ve spent the last few years very intentionally cultivating community in my neighborhood. This has had a fractal effect: I have an inner circle of a few trusted friends; a wider circle of people with aligned values; and a wider circle still of folks who may not be out in the streets with me to disrupt injustice, but will absolutely be there to provide physical support in a crisis. I do believe that reimagined structures of support are possible at scale— but that won’t be realizable or sustainable without really deep root work with our core kin.
Thanks for these gorgeous insights.